Listen up!

Class is in session.

"Extreme Rules." That's the name of the newest WWE pay-per-view, which debuted Sunday night. But what does it really mean? Extreme rules are the basis of the show? Or "extreme matches rule, man." I guess it works both ways. Man, those WWE marketers are geniuses!

As am I. You came here to see what happened. Let's go:

Miss WrestleMania Hog Pen Match: Santina Marella vs. Vickie Guerrero
What Should Happen: The five words "Miss WrestleMania Hog Pen Match" should never be strung together again. Here you have Santino in drag taking on the bulky Miss Vickie. I can't stand it. It's not funny. I don't care. I can't stand it. It's not funny. I don't care. I can't stand it. It's not funny. I don't care. I can't stand it. It's not funny. I don't care. I can't stand it. It's not funny. I don't care. Have I made myself clear?

What Will Happen: I'm sure something hilarious will happen as it always does. Right? Oh, a winner. That'll be: Santina. Not that I care.

Question To Ponder: Does anyone on Earth think the Santia act is remotely amusing?

What Did Happen: Santino won. End this pain now. It hurts so much.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Chris Jericho
What Should Happen: This no-holds-barred match should be a show-stealer, no doubt. It would be a kick if this was for a major title, but I would never complain about that. Never. I'd keep the strap on little Rey. Jericho is slumming here.

What Will Happen: Mysterio retains.

Question To Ponder: If WWE isn't going to give us Edge vs. Christian, how about Edge vs. Jericho?

What Did Happen: Y2J won a crackerjack match.

U.S. Championship Match: Kofi Kingston (c) vs. MVP vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy
What Should Happen: This looks like it would be a heck of a tag team match, with the winner becoming the No. 1 contender for the Colon's unified belts. But I digress. Kingston, new to the U.S. strap, should win. Why give it to him to lose days later?

What Will Happen: Kofi Kingston will retain.

Question To Ponder: How soon can they turn Kingston heel? You never see angry Jamaicans, mon.

What Did Happen: Kingston retained.

Samoan Strap Match: Umaga vs. C.M. Punk
What Should Happen: The suddenly-talking Umaga challenged Punk to this extravaganza. With Umaga having a clean pin over C.M., you just know the monster is going to lose. Right? And that's the way it should be. The little guy wins with brains over brawn.

What Will Happen: Punk outsmarts Umaga for the win.

Question To Ponder: These guys seem like they're in the doghouse. Why?

What Did Happen: Punk punked the monster, winning the match.

Submission Match: John Cena vs. The Big Show
What Should Happen: Here's a scary statement: the Miz is the only person who has kept this feud almost bearable to watch. Let's hope to God he interferes. Show, although fab on the mic, still blows in the ring. That'll never change. So why do I have to put up with it? Enough's enough. Cena needs to destroy him here.

What Will Happen: Cena will make Big Slow tap.

Question To Ponder: What's more boring: Big Show in the ring or watching a mid-season NBA/NHL game?

What Did Happen: Not a bad match, actually. Cena won it.

ECW Champship Match: Christian (c) vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer
What Should Happen: I would have Dreamer win this hardcore rules match in a New York second. The ECW title is basically dirt, so why not let a trooper run with a bit. You know, sort of like Mick Foley winning the WWE title a few years ago. He wasn't the champion type, but he had fun with it. Dreamer is in the same boat. Let Tommy put the belt around his beer belly.

What Will Happen: Upset of 2009: Dreamer will win.

Question To Ponder: Does Savage seem like he has a screw loose?

What Did Happen: Dreamer. Winner. Professor. Prophet.

WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Dave Batista
What Should Happen: You have to keep the title on Orton, plain and simple. There's no good reason for a title switch here. The fact that this match is in a cage should be spectacle enough. I sense the newly-crazy Ric Flair costing Batista the title somehow.

What Will Happen: Orton escapes with a win.

Question To Ponder: Can Orton's tattoos pin Batista's?

What Did Happen: Big Dave won it, grabbing gold.

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
What Should Happen: This is a ladder match, an event for which both contestants are quite familiar. How about another title run for Hardy? That's what I would do. He's a big star who still needs to learn how to carry the load.

What Will Happen: Edge will win, against my best advice.

Question To Ponder: Wouldn't it be great if Hardy got rid of all that dopey makeup and got a decent haircut? It's not 1993 anymore Jeffy.

What Did Happen: No makeup from Jeffy, who won the match. He then lost it to C.M. Punk, who cashed in his Money In The Bank title shot. Punk closes show as champ.

So how did I do? Five right out of eight, including the Dreamer stunner. Yep, I'm good.

That's it!!

Class is -- dismissed!!!

(Professor Wrestling is a masked employee of Internet Broadcasting, hailing from Parts Unknown. Got a question, comment, complaint? E-mail him right here. )