Couch Potato: Auburn visits LSU; Tennessee faces UF - WNEM TV 5

Couch Potato: Auburn-LSU, UT at Florida fairly interesting; Troy hopes to heat Mullen's seat

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Will Muschamp strides the sidelines searching for answers to the challenges posed by the interlopers from the land of the Volunteer. (Source: UF Communications) Will Muschamp strides the sidelines searching for answers to the challenges posed by the interlopers from the land of the Volunteer. (Source: UF Communications)
Auburn players celebrate with great exuberance after last week's comeback win over Mississippi State. (Source: Todd Van Emst) Auburn players celebrate with great exuberance after last week's comeback win over Mississippi State. (Source: Todd Van Emst)
LSU's much improved QB Zach Mettenberger will attempt to exploit Auburn's defense, which has been vulnerable to the pass this year. (Source: WAFB) LSU's much improved QB Zach Mettenberger will attempt to exploit Auburn's defense, which has been vulnerable to the pass this year. (Source: WAFB)
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(RNN) - As far as football on TV goes, Saturday provides a good window of opportunity to pressure-wash the driveway before the winter snows.

These games are so bad that Couch Potato could probably go ahead and predict the outcomes without offending insane, hyper-sensitive troll fans so that they throw flaming bags of weapons-grade plutonium on his front porch.

But we're going to quote Pulp Fiction anyway – at least the quotes we can repeat in semi-polite company. We refer, of course, to Quentin Tarantino's 1994 neo-noir, black humor crime thriller that has been often imitated but never equaled.

"I'm trying Ringo, I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

Tennessee at Florida

3:30 p.m. ET, CBS

Both teams recently deflated the SEC aura of invincibility: The Vols got Duck-stomped last week and Florida had infinity turnovers in a loss at Miami. The Gators have had two weeks to fine-tune their offense, so now they can execute all six plays. This may be UT coach Butch Jones' best shot at a signature win before Obama leaves office.

"Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face."

Arkansas at Rutgers

3:30 p.m. ET, ABC

This is a big game for Arkansas and Coach Bret Bielema, husband of shockingly gorgeous rage tweeter Jen Bielema. The Hogs have a chance to go 4-0 before beginning a relentless eight-game hell-march through the SEC. Rutgers has beaten Norfolk State and Eastern Michigan, which indicates precisely nothing. Their quarterback Gary Nova is questionable after taking a shot under the facemask early in the EMich game. Arkansas has roared past Louisiana-Lafayette, Samford and Southern Miss by accumulative scores of 89-38.

"Say ‘what' again."

Colo. State at Alabama

7 p.m. ESPN2

Colorado State head coach Jim McElwain was Alabama's offensive coordinator during the 2009 and 2011 national championship seasons; both years, the Crimson Tide ranked No. 1 in the nation in beating other teams and seventh in the SEC in offensive red-zone performance. Last year, the offense averaged 42.7 points per game and last week, it out-footballed Johnny Football, 49-42.

Next week, Bama plays Ole Miss, which is beginning to look suspiciously like a real football team.

"We should have shotguns for this kind of deal."

Auburn at LSU

7:45 p.m. ET, ESPN

Auburn's Nick Marshall did heroic stuff in last week's 24-20 comeback win over Mississippi State, leading an 88-yard, winning drive in about 90 seconds for the Tigers' first win over an SEC opponent since the War of 1812. He also caught a 36-yard pass to himself, which is not an easy thing to do. LSU looks like it might be really good, but the season-opening win over TCU grows less impressive as the Frogs do things like look miserable losing to Texas Tech.

If Gus Malzahn can deploy his genius to get some production out of the three-back rushing committee, LSU is vulnerable. If not, not. LSU plays Georgia next week, so there's that to think about.

"The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence."

Troy at Miss. State

7:30 p.m. ET, FSN

These teams have played interesting games in previous meetings. A loss would be devastating for Dan Mullen's tenuous hold on authenticity. Troy QB Cory Robinson is more accurate than a lot of drone strikes – he completed a universe-record 30-of-33 passes in the season opener against UAB and is hitting about 75 percent of his passes. The Bulldogs got torched by Auburn's passing game last week. Defense is not a thing Troy does much.

"Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead."

The other ones: Vanderbilt travels to UMass as a 36-point favorite, really; North Texas is sacrificed into the yawning maw of the voracious Georgia Bulldog; SMU pays for Alabama's sins at Texas A&M; undefeated Missouri carries the SEC banner north to the lair of Big Ten weakling Indiana.

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers."

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